Meanwhile, across town…

… Cliff Jones and Mr Angry have produced an excellent podcast which everyone should listen to right now. You can download it here or here.

Technically, of course, it’s Mr Angry’s podcast and Cliff is a guest presenter, so I should have said “Mr Angry and Cliff Jones have produced an excellent podcast”. But they are above that sort of petty bickering. Probably.

Anyway, Mr Angry’s first three podcasts are already on iTunes and if you’ve got any sense of humour at all you’ll download those too AND you will subscribe to him. Or it. Or something.

 

The long-awaited answer to my FIENDISH BRAINTWISTER.

It’s number 24, innit, because number 24 has two sentences and the rest only have one.

Thickos.

 

I mark my return to blogging with an exciting Odd One Out competition

Yes, it’s true! To commemorate this special day I have devised a fiendishly difficult braintwister. Below is a list of subject headers from emails currently caught in my spam filter. Can YOU spot the odd one out?

Answers in the comments. There is no closing date!

1. “Grow your pole by 2 inches today”

2. “Feel your pole elongate immediately”

3. “Burst through your pants in 2 months”

4. “Size explosion experienced by all users”

5. “Make it grow faster”

6. “Be confident that you will have a larger head soon”

7. “We got a winner in your new size”

8. “Reap the benefits of painless body enhancement”

9. “Size shapes the man”

10. “You cannot discount the importance of size

11. “Your way to get more blood pumped to the right places

12. “Discover your true size”

13. “Size increase available here”

14. “Real present for your important organ!”

15. “Keep erection”

16. “You will see your penis on MTV”

17. “Enlarge your brest and let other women die from envy”

18. “Don’t blame your wife, enhance yourself!”

19. “Minimise your expences on enhancing and get the best result ever.”

20. “Enjoy the nightlife that you wish.”

21. “Immeasurable wand of pleasure”

22. “News about your enhancing will be know to all the girls around.”

23. “Don’t leave her dissatisfied.”

24. “Roman imperator took that pill to serve all his mistresses! If you are unable to support an erection, your solution is here!”

25. “Turn your boner to something you can be proud of.”

26. “Have an unforgetful night of pleasure with your girlfriend!”

27. “Dodn’t you just want to run away when cannot satisfy_your_gf?”

28. “Even the most severe and desperate cases were treated by us.”

29. “Secret tiny helper for men.”

30. “Perfect weight and feel”

31. “You will need this for a good pounding.”

32. “Find your love stick gain here”

33. “The hottest femmes will long for you!”

34. “More length and width”

35. “Make chix tremble with excitement”

36. “Hey, are you the guy who cannot make love?”

Yes, I do have quite a lot of time on my hands.

Yes, I am slightly concerned about the sort of spam this is likely to attract.

Probably “Find your love stick gain here“. But “Immeasurable Wand of Pleasure” is quite good too.

 

Spiders

I know. I know I know. New blog, new subject matter. And yet – no. I have to get this out of my system. It’s bad every year for spiders, here, and to a certain extent I’m used to it. I think it might be because my house backs onto allotments, which I like to think is a bit like being in the country. But this year – this year takes the cake, and by “cake” I mean “a special cake traditionally baked to mark particularly spidery summers”.

They. Are. Everywhere. Tiny ones in the sink. Small ones hanging from the windowpane. Medium ones scuttling along under the windowsill. Big ones which are sometimes on the ceiling… and sometimes not. Really really really really big ones in my sitting room; in my bathtub; in the middle of the living room floor, and, particularly memorably, ON MY BARE ARM.

And those are just the real ones. I haven’t even started on the imaginary ones. Every scritchy-scritchy-scritch-scratch is a spider waiting to happen. Every time my mother looks at the ceiling I recoil. Every time I look at the ceiling she recoils. The imaginary spiders are even more everywhere than the real ones. The tangle of dog hair by the sofa (because my dog, having stubbornly retained her winter coat all the way through a particularly humid and unpleasant summer, has now, at the end of the summer, decided that it might be a good time to get rid of it); the loose thread on my tracksuit bottoms; the hole in the wainscotting which used to be a telephone point; my shoelaces; the cobweb in the corner; the telephone wire; a particularly bungy patch of carpet; the plum stone that missed the bin; the arms of my glasses. My own hair. I see something moving out of the corner of my eye and leap off the sofa brushing frantically at my arms, only to realise that it was just the reflection of my arm moving in the television screen. I twitch spasmodically in the middle of chatting to someone, only to realise that it’s just my laptop’s power cord slithering over the bed.

I had this tapped, that’s the really annoying thing. Last year and the year before, high on the Friendly Spider Course at London Zoo, I was prowling the house with a martini glass and a Mr Men book looking for gigantic spiders to take out, just to prove that I could. But this year, for some reason, I have completely lost my nerve. I cannot decide whether I should try going back to the Friendly Spider people for a refresher or just demand a refund.

I am starting to feel like a lesser character in a Stephen King novel. The one who gets twenty pages of backstory and snappy dialogue and is just starting to sound as if she might be quite interesting actually when she is MURDERED. By spiders.

It’s less funny than it sounds, to be honest.

 

And – we’re back.

Probably.

I still can’t think of anything to say, but when I do think of something to say this is probably where I’ll say it.

And also, the next time I stop blogging I probably won’t delete my archives. Or if I do, perhaps I’ll back them up first, on a computer that is not broken (thinking of buying a Sony Vaio? Hahahahahahahaha. Don’t. DON’T). That would be sensible. Yes.